Sperm Education - A new twist on an old joke

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Pregnant Unwed Daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this 'news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

False Information about Tommy Hilfiger

I received this email in my inbox this morning and I feel there is a need to clear this up. If ever you receive this email. Please do not ... do not forward it out because the information is not true.

In a January 2001 press release, the Tommy Hilfiger company denies that their founder ever made such a statement:

"The facts remain simple and cannot be disputed. Tommy Hilfiger did not make the alleged comments, he has never appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show and, in fact, Ms. Winfrey herself, on her January 11, 1999 program, stated Tommy Hilfiger has never been on her show nor has she ever met him.

"Most importantly, Tommy Hilfiger wants his clothing to be enjoyed by people of all backgrounds and his collections are put together with the broadest cross-section of individuals in mind. To reinforce this, he features models of all ethnic backgrounds in his fashion shows and advertisements."

So pervasive is this rumor that, by 2004, the company had set aside an entire section on their corporate web site to deny it, featuring statements from Hilfiger, Winfrey, the Anti-Defamation League and Hilfiger customers.

Tommy Hilfiger is not the first or last famous person to be falsely accused of publicly telling certain ethnic groups to not buy their products. Liz Claiborne, Lauren Hill and Shakira all stand accused. None of the accusations stand up to scrutiny. Some are based on misunderstandings, while others, like the one above, are complete fabrications built on favorite elements of urban legendry. Break this Chain.


SAMPLE CHAIN LETTER TEXT
Subject: Tommy Hilfiger on Oprah

Hello, please read.... and pass on if you haven't already! Everyone needs to see this.

Good for Oprah!!!! I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show, where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the statements about race he was accused of saying were true. Statements like"...if I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I would not have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people."

His answer to Oprah was a simple "YES". Where after she immediately asked him to leave her show. My suggestion? Don't buy your next shirt or Perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Let's give him what he asked for. Let's not buy His clothes, let's put him in a financial state where he himself will NOT be able to afford the ridiculous

prices he puts on his clothes.

BOYCOTT PLEASE...., & SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW

Nothing empowers people quite like their own survival!

END CHAIN LETTER TEXT

French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Anyone for a drink?

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In 'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud".

Hans steps up next "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, give me a coke with ice please".

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I."

You're Next

Just for a laugh and I really mean it is just for a laugh.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Never Argue with Children

Sometimes the darnest words come out of children. But they really bring much joy and happiness to life :-)

*******************************************************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

*******************************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*******************************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A Tribute to Those Who Lost Their Lifes in 911

Success Is The Quality Of Your Days
by Dr. Philip E. Humbert

If the events of this week have taught us anything, they have reminded us to live each day to the fullest. We were never promised our full "four score and ten."

Even before the attack this week, I was reminded that our lives are too often cut short. My wife is a nurse, and she told me about a young man, age 44, who recently went to his doctor with a summer cold. He had a cough and couldn't get rid of it, so the doctor gave him some pills and told him to come back if it didn't get better.

It didn't get better, so the man went back. They ran some tests, and discovered that the man has been walking around with lung cancer for months, perhaps years. He is married, with three small children, and now knows that he has only two or perhaps three, weeks to live.

There is a wonderful quote that urges us to make plans as if we'll live forever, but to live as if we'll die tomorrow. The truth is that today - this one day - is the only one we really have. Let us use it well!

The rubble of lower Manhattan sends a wake-up call to live with enthusiasm and to do the things you must do in this life! It sends a challenge to love with gusto and to tell the people you love how much you treasure them! Out of the dust comes challenge to say the words, take the risks, make the investments, and experience the richness of life!

It reminds us that life is short, and we often get on advance notice when our ticket expires,

True success is combination of "having" and "being." Success includes earning money and buying nice things, having a home we are proud of, and leaving something to our children and those who follow.

But success is also about "being." It's about being a person others can love and respect. It's about living and loving every moment of our lives, and being honest with ourselves, and with others. It's about being silly, being in love, being proud, and about grieving when it is our turn to grieve.

There is a huge lie in modern culture that claims, "He who dies with the most toys wins." It is NOT true, my friends!

The truth is that "Those who die with some nice toys, lots of friends, fond memories, a few embarrassments, and a smile on their face, are the true winners in life."

There will be many ways to honor those who were killed and injured this week. It is vital that we support them and their families in very tangible ways, and it will be important that we come together for memorials and times of remembrance.

But I propose that an even greater way to honor their memory is to commit ourselves to living up to our fullest potential. In this moment of sorrow and tragedy, challenge yourself to care, to live, and to love with renewed and outrageous enthusiasm. Pursue your dreams as if you could not possible fail! We can not turn back the clock, but we can live our lives with passion, with honor, with integrity and vigor!

Let us truly live every moment of our lives.

Symphony of Love
Let Us Spread Love Wherever We Go!

The Unfaithful Husband

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you do ing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies, "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you" The husband begins to tell his story .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car.I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. Wi th great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co -worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?????"

Anniversary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Two sides of the story

Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!

So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.

But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.

I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


His side of the story:

Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.

Go on, tell them

Just good for a laugh. If you could be easily offended, please do not read this. This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently. (Not sure if it really happened in Melbourne. Anyone can verify?)

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!

Instant Radio Silence. Advert.

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

Why Microsoft Shouldn't Make Cars

Just for a laugh!

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buymore seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.